To be as brief as possible regarding my mental health history, I've been diagnosed with several things. Bipolar disorder, Schizophrenia, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I also have some OCD issues as well, one facet of which is particularly amusing and I may address later.
Since I have moved to Ohio I've been to two (now three) different doctors. The first two doctors were awful and, in my opinion, highly unethical. I need a doctor who is going to help me, not one who is going to keep pissing me off and making things worse, so I saw the third doctor today. I'll call her Dr. G. She was very nice throughout the whole process today, asked lots and lots of good questions and near the end I thought this whole thing was going very well.
Now, since my dad is retiring this year, I'm going to be losing my insurance. This will happen next month. I'm not going to be able to afford to keep going to a doctor though I may be able to get into a program of some sort to get my prescriptions. He had initially said he would retire next year, which was going to be good because I will be turning 26 next year, which means I won't be able to stay on his insurance, but I would be finishing school two months before my birthday, so I would have had the time to seek out a job with health benefits before then. We had talked about this and agreed that this would good, I believe he even remarked something about how "God's timing is always good" or something to that effect. However, a few months after I got on his insurance, he suddenly announced that he was retiring this year, which means that he goes on Medicare, which I can't be put on under him because the health care law mandate doesn't apply to Medicare, only private insurance. Now, this pissed me off greatly because he knows I need insurance. I need to see doctors, I need medications, not just because I want them but because I need to function from day-to-day!
So, okay, while I know that he will be retiring in next month, I figured I could at least milk this insurance for all it's worth. So when I went to a family doctor, I brought up every single issue and concern I had so I could get them addressed. I went to a psych doctor to at least continue the medicine I'd been taking from when I was in Pennsylvania (which, I had those issues with those two doctors, like I had mentioned before). I figured that even though I would be going off of insurance and I may or may not be able to keep taking medicine or keep seeing a doctor I could at least have it now and be all good for the time being and just enjoy the hell out of it. Of course, that didn't quite work out.
Which brings me to today. The whole process had been going well until we got to the finish. She wants me to go for ADHD testing. I had last been tested when I was 14 and while I had tried to get in touch with the doctor who had diagnosed me - with no success - I could not confirm that they still had my records after all this time. Okay, no problem, I'm thinking probably next week, right? Nope, the first opening they have is in the beginning of August. Which, if you've been following along, is after I lose my insurance. I thought, well that's okay, I can still probably at least have something for my anxiety for a month, right? Nope, she doesn't want to treat my anxiety or my ADHD until she can confirm that they are actually two separate things that I have or that possibly I have one or the other and the other is misdiagnosed.
So, I've been without any meds at all to help with my anxiety. If anyone out there has moderate anxiety you understand that coping skills will only go so far. So, basically, my dream of having at least a "good month" for my last month of being on insurance has gone bye-bye. Now I have to wait until at least March of next year to get any help with it. Which means that all the worry I deal with on a constant basis, the anxiety attacks that I suffer from, none of that is going to be treated at all until next year. This really does devastate me. I mean, I knew that I was going to probably have to go without from July until at least March, you're probably thinking, "C'mon, Rue, it's only a month" but you don't understand. I want to have a normal month. I had clung to that hope desperately that I could have one last normal month before I had to go back to all the bullshit firestorm that I normally deal with. It's like if your employer told you on Friday that it was a three-day weekend and then they call you on Sunday and tell you that you have to come in on Monday after all.
That's actually an excellent analogy that I just now came up with off the top of my head. My flashes of brilliant may be brief but, damn, they sure are brilliant.
Anyway, that's what I've been dealing with today. I don't think today could get much worse, really. Fuck. I mean, honestly, this is bullshit. I was always told that if I need help to just ask and help will be given. Well, I'm fucking asking for help and I ain't gettin' shit! That makes me think things like, "Why do people not want to help me? I know I'm asking the right people, it's not that. Is there something wrong with me that makes them not want to help me?" And then the feelings of rejection come on and I get super depressed. Which is what I feel now. Yay.
Sorry you guys, I didn't mean to make this so long. There was just a lot that needed to be said to fully explain the situation and where I'm coming from and it kinda got outta hand. I am kinda glad that I do have this blog as kind of an outlet, though, it always feels good to express yourself and your feelings and just kinda get it out of there.
And now it's time for a quick study for tonight's quiz. Bye, y'all.