I feel broken

So, Jason and I have two roommates now. Two of our friends, K and L, were kicked out of their apartment by their roommate for some bullshit drama that was going on (they weren’t on the lease, so their roommate could do that) and we offered them our second bedroom until August when they get their school checks and can afford to get into a place on their own. It’s actually been really nice having other people around here.

The issue, though, is their cats. They initially left them there, as their ex-roommate said it would be okay until they could figure out what to do with them as our apartment building doesn’t allow pets. This sucks, because it meant we had to give up our dog as well, which I am still very much heartbroken over, though I know he was adopted and that with the rigorous adoption procedures that the shelter he was in adheres to, I know it was a good home. Still doesn’t change the fact that we had him since he was a puppy and that we loved him very much. We had initially left him with a friend in the same trailer park we had been in as the landlord said it was okay at first, but the landlord then changed his mind and said that the dog needed to go. I called over everywhere, trying to find someone or some rescue to take him in at least temporarily, but with no luck. It got to the point where the landlord said if the dog wasn’t out of the place by the next day, he was going to take him and shoot him.

(Aside: some people have suggested to me that perhaps my friend just didn’t want to take care of him anymore, but to that I have a good rebuttal. I know this friend very well, he is the type of person where if he doesn’t want to do something – or doesn’t want to do something anymore – he’ll straight up tell you. I don’t make a habit of making friends with someone who’s going to lie to me to hide their true feelings; it just creates unnecessary drama. I also know the landlord and I know what a fucked up piece of shit he is and even if Jason hadn’t talked to him and confirmed all of this, I would have still believed that he changed his mind.)

We had no choice but to have him taken to the local shelter, and I called in every week to ask about him until they finally told me that he’d been adopted. I was relieved by that news, but it does nothing to help the pain of knowing that I’ll never see my dog again, never feel his kisses on my face, never feel him flop down next to me on the bed, never feel him put his head on my lap when he wants to be petted. I’m still tore up about all of that; it’s something that I’m just going to have to deal with.

So, back to my new roommates’ cats. Well, their bitch of an ex-roommate called them up on Saturday and told them that if someone – not them, they “aren’t allowed” back at the apartment – didn’t pick up the cats that she would just set them loose in the woods. Nobody wanted that to happen, so Jason and I agreed that a mutual friend could pick up the cats and bring them to our apartment and then take them to a shelter later that day (as they couldn’t find anyone to take them temporarily). So L called around to local shelters, but none of them answered, so we figured they were probably closed for the weekend. We would have to wait until Monday. Alright, so we closed the blinds and figured it would be okay for the weekend. They are very well behaved cats (still kittens, technically, one is 7 months old, the other is 3 months), they don’t get into anything, they don’t destroy anything, they use their litter box extremely well, etc. So we’ve had cats for the weekend! It’s actually been very nice, the kittens are wonderful and so much fun and so entertaining. They both like me, too, the other night they both climbed up on the sofa and laid on top of me as I was lying on the sofa.

So now that Monday is here, it’s time to say goodbye (well, now it’s going to be tomorrow, as K’s father said he wouldn’t come to get them until tomorrow, though he’d said before he’d come to get them today). And I have to say, I am again heartbroken. Though I’ve only spent time with them this weekend, I’ve bonded to them, despite my best attempts not to. I’ve realized that without having an animal around, I’ve felt even emptier. My soul feels like it’s withered, though I hadn’t realized it until now. I can’t live without an animal. But for now, I’m going to have to do without. And just with this reminder, this realization, it’s going to be so much harder to wait until Jason and I graduate and can afford to move into a place that will accept an animal.

I’m already so stressed about all of this, I’m not sure about going to tonight’s class. Again, a big thanks goes out to Dr. G for not caring enough to give me something to help with anxiety.